Dave’s Daily Quotes

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. ~ H. L. Mencken

Suppose two-thirds of the members of the national House of Representatives were dumped into the Washington garbage incinerator tomorrow, what would we lose to offset our gain of their salaries and the salaries of their parasites? ~ H. L. Mencken

Hanging one scoundrel, it appears, does not deter the next. Well, what of it? The first one is at least disposed of. ~ H. L. Mencken

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution. ~ H. L. Mencken

Ideas don’t stay in some minds for long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ~ Dave Barry

If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you are right and you shut up, you’re married.

Sweat is nature’s way of showing you your muscles are crying.

I’m learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button. ~ Paul Alexander

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong–but that’s the way to bet. ~ Damon Runyon

I hear voices in my head. I don’t worry about it because that’s where my ears are.  ~ Simone Alexander

It may be true that you can’t fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.  ~ Will Durant

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.  ~ Stephen Leacock

I used to be a dancer, but the music kept throwing me off.

With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?  

You might be a redneck if: Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.…

I hate four letter words…Like Cook, Bake, Dust, and Wash

I never confused what I had with what I was. ~Jonathan Safran Foer

Songs are as sad as the listener. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Presence is more than just being there. If your absence doesn’t make any difference, your presence won’t either.

When you give and don’t expect anything back that’s love. But if you give and expect a return it’s an investment.

All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner. ~ Red Skelton

Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.

A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way. ~ John C. Maxwell