Dave’s Daily Quotes

When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. ~ Anonymous

The ferocity of a warrior is often hidden off the battlefield; the gentleness of a healer is tough to notice when you’re too busy to need it. ~ Kyle Matthews  ++

What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don’t follow in his footsteps?  ~ Anonymous++

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them.    ++

Chicken Little was right.

A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I’ve seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. ~ Anonymous

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there’s nothing to compare it with. ~ Anonymous

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker…

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. ~ Dr. Richard Byrnes

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. ~ Maxine

Christmas is just plain weird.  What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of your socks. ~ Maxine

Butt jiggle is just my little way of waving goodbye! ~ Maxine

A household hint:  Stop dusting, and you can use your coffee table as a message board. ~ Maxine

I bought my wife a new car.”  She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”  I said, “Where’s the car?”  She said, “In the lake.” ~ Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. ~ Milton Berle

A pompous minister was seated next to Bubba on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Bubba asked for a whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be…

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.  Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they  would leave right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went…

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy:  W.”

Look Familiar? Two Blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.” The second Blonde says, “Here, let me see!”  So the first Blonde hands her the compact.  She looks…

Therefore, putting away lying, each one speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. ~ Bible, Ephesians 4:25

Ambiguous Recommendations: Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA, was, like many teachers, frustrated about having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways.  He calls his collection the “Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations”,…

I am too blessed to be stressed! ~ Anonymous

A B C’s  To  Live  By Although things are not perfect Because of trial or pain Continue in thanksgiving Do not begin to blame Even when the times are hard Fierce winds are bound to blow God is forever able Hold on to what you know Imagine life without His love Joy would cease to…

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.  The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscripti catapultas habeunt. ~ (Latin for:  When catapults are outlawed,  only outlaws will have catapults.)