Dave’s Daily Quotes

I’m sorry, but I have a rare disease that’s  aggravated by watering friends’ plants. ~ Anonymous

Nullo modo. ~ (Latin for:  No way.)

Ipso facto. ~ (Latin for:  By that very fact.)

At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don’t care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all. ~ Ann Landers

As a rule, Man’s a fool. When it’s hot, He wants it cool. And when it’s cool, He wants it hot, Always wanting What is not. ~ Anonymous

A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol. ~ Anonymous

A person is only as big as the things that make them angry. ~ Confucius

Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. ~ Anonymous   ++

Money talks. I’ll not deny. I heard it once. It said good-bye. ~ Anonymous

Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, “No business here . . . natives don’t wear shoes.”…

Love the sinner but hate the sin. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. ~ Herbert Hoover

No man is too big to be kind…but many men are too little. ~ Matt Maguire

Before you point your fingers be sure your hands are clean. ~ Anonymous

Government regulations are a lot like catsup– you either get none or a lot more than you want. ~ Anonymous   ++

And God created woman.  And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.  And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and…

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. ~ Jack Handy

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think our children should be having sex.  ~ Jack Handy

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em go, because, man, they’re gone. ~ Jack Handey

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? ~ Jack Handey

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. (You don’t even care, do you?) ~ Jack Handey

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, “What am I doing?!” ~ Jack Handey

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat. ~ Jack Handey

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. ~ Jack Handey

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand.  Come on, Marta. Grow up. ~ Jack Handey