Dave’s Daily Quotes

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I broke a mirror.  I’m supposed to get 7 years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me 5. ~ Steven Wright

Glyme’s formula for success:  The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.    ++

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The future will be better tomorrow. ~ Dan Quayle

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. ~ Steven Wright

I like to leave messages before the beep. ~ Steven Wright

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. ~ Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. ~ Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. ~  Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~ Steven Wright

It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. ~ Charles A. Beard

The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after the star itself is gone. ~ Anonymous

All I really need to know… I learned in kindergarten. ~ Robert Fulghum

If we are bound to forgive an enemy, we are not bound to trust him. ~ Thomas Fuller

..God judges us for our present actions only and not on what He knows we’ll do in the future. ~ Faye Kellerman

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world. ~ C.S. Lewis

Treiman’s Theorem: Impossible things don’t usually happen.

Just because you’re you doesn’t mean I’m not.

The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others. ~ Russell Edson

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. ~ Anais Nin

A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis.  Makes quite simple people feel they’re complex. ~ S.N. Behrman

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ~ Jeremiah 1:5, Bible, New International Version

An 80 year old man says to his doctor:  My 28 year old wife is pregnant, what’s your opinion doctor? Doctor:  Let me tell you a story, a hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of a gun. He goes into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and Bang… …