Dave’s Daily Quotes

“Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”  Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.”

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you are sleeping with a relative. ~ Anonymous

The other day I was downtown, and I happened to glance over at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded. For a second I thought: Whoa, did I do that? ~ The Covert Comic

You know how it is when you lean back too far in your chair and almost fall backwards, but save yourself at the last second? I feel like that all day. ~ Steven Wright

Death solves all problems–no man, no problem. ~ Joseph Stalin

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. ~ George Scialabra

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. ~ Albert Einstein

Never take a blind date to a silent film. ~ Geoffrey Parfitt

There are two kinds of people I cannot abide:  bigots and any well-organized ethnic group. ~ Edward Abbey

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.  Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~ Albert Einstein

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.    ++

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~ Cindy Clabough

Your temper is the only thing you can lose and still have.

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases. “I’d Rather Be Waterboarding.” “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.” “ U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.” “ U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents to Allah” “Stop Global Whining” “When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine” Naval Corollary: Dead…

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite…

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning ‘containing arsenic.’

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. ~ Thomas Jefferson

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them. ~ Aristotle   ++

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.  ++

Deafening silence Bureaucratic efficiencies   Boneless ribs   Unacceptable solution   Vegetarian meatball   Work party   Live Recording   Feeling  Numb

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.  ~ Frank Sinatra  ++

Theodore Roosevelt was the only U.S. president to deliver an inaugural address without using the word “I.”  Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Dwight D. Eisenhower tied for second place, using “I” only once in their inaugural addresses.

“Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all:  “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.”‘

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.  ++

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank him for not having given it wings. ~ Indian Proverb    ++