Dave’s Daily Quotes

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. ~ Paul Rodriguez    ++

Bird angels have 4 wings. ~ Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright    ++

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. ~ Steven Wright

I was in a bookstore, and I started talking to a French-looking girl.  She was a bilingual illiterate.  She couldn’t read in two languages. ~ Steven Wright   ++

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. ~ Rita Rudner

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. ~ P.J.  O’Rourke

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.”  Every picture of you is when you were younger. ~ Mitch Hedberg

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, ‘as pretty as an airport.’ ~ Douglas Adams

I have great faith in fools–self-confidence, my friends call it.  ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

I remember the first time I had sex–I kept the receipt.  ++

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

There are 10 types of people in the world:  those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Fatuus = Dopey Medicullus = Doc Severus = Grumpy Beatus = Happy Somniculosus = Sleepy Verecundus = Bashful Sternuens = Sneezy

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the “F” word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?  He walks around saying “Yo.”

Secret of a Successful Marriage or How To Handle A Husband A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.  Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.  People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.” The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the…

These are exceptionally clever anagrams. Whoever put this together must be deadly at Scrabble. Wait till you see the last one AND don’t cheat and go to the bottom first!!!! Dormitory – when you rearrange the letters – Dirty Room Evangelist – Evil’s Agent Desperation – A Rope Ends It The Morse Code – Here…

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. ~ Abraham Kaplan

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Did you ever notice that when you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs?       ++