Dave’s Daily Quotes

I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.  

I can send a text message to my bank and it’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.  

I just got a pair of pajamas with pockets in them.  This is GREAT; I used to have to hold things while I slept!!  

Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there….

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars.  

I learned three new words today…but forgot five numbers.

I heard that Toyota’s new  Camry will be so advanced it recalls itself.

Don’t gripe about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t be a member. ~ Anonymous  

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~ Anonymous

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. ~ Erma Bombeck  

Money still talks these days; trouble is you really have to turn up the volume. ~ Alfred E. Neuman  

Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. ~ Alfred E. Neuman  

Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. ~ Richard Feynman  

Is there a hyphen between “anal retentive?”  

Interesting, isn’t it, that the Pope drives around in a car with bulletproof glass in the window.  Jesus Christ never wore nail-proof gloves, though, did he? ~ John Dowie

Murder is a crime. Describing murder is not.  Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is. ~ Gershon Legman  

Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or religion… unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or…

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. ~ Thomas Jefferson  

You can’t make a centipede by gluing ants together. ~ Greg Titus

Reality is therapy. ~ Linda Martinic

It’s not polite to talk with your foot in your mouth. ~ David Northrop  

The nice thing about having your body as your temple is, you get to worship as you please. ~ Greg Titus  

I’ll not only retract any comment anyone finds offensive, but also deny under oath ever having said it. ~ Tom Lehrer  

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. ~ Goethe  

You don’t get to pick your family, but you can pick your teachers and you can pick your friends and you can pick the music you listen to and you can pick the books you read and you can pick the movies you see. ~ Austin Kleon