Dave’s Daily Quotes

I’m trying very hard to be the man my doctor medicates me to be.  

If I could build a house out of my daughter’s chocolate chip cookies I’d be homeless in a day.  

I finally understand what Elmer Fudd meant when he said, “I hate it when I get mistweeted.” ~ Dave Matthews  

‎79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.  

If you get bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie. Unless you’re a Walmart employee, in which case your job performance  improves slightly.  

I need to learn how to figure out stuff for myself.  Can you guys help me do that? ~ Anonymous  

I think that if I were a cannibal I’d only eat vegetarians, just for the irony.  

“I knew you’d be back.” ~ The Drawing Board  

Thought I was inconsonant.  Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.  

While thinking of revenge, two sayings came to mind: “revenge is a dish best served cold” and “revenge is sweet.”  I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.  

A baby was born laughing and giggling really hard with its fists closed!  The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.  

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face.  I love Sharpie markers!  

Whenever someone says “Expect the unexpected,” I get the urge to smack them and say “It’s not as good as it sounds, is it?”  

You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say, “Guess what?”  

I’m not good in relationships. One of my past relationships ended when I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just swam up to the surface. ~ Anonymous  

There are two reasons you should never drink toilet water. Number 1 Number 2  

Crack, meth, heroine.  All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmaceutical companies.  That way, no one could afford them. ~ Anonoymous  

Why do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can’t speak English?  

To err is human, to arr is pirate.  

Ever get the urge to cook pork chops in the toaster?

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.  ~ Jack Handey  

I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.  

If someone asks you if you “have a sec” and you answer “I have lots of secs,” they will forget their original question.  

When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.  

FACT:  The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.