Dave’s Daily Quotes

Camouflage Condoms:   So they won’t see you coming.  

It is an open question whether any behavior based on fear of eternal punishment can be regarded as ethical or should be regarded as merely cowardly. ~ Margaret Mead  

Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. ~ C. S. Lewis  

When does a woman care for a man’s company? When he owns it.  

You shouldn’t compare yourself to others–they are more screwed up than you think. ~ Anonymous

I love being married.  I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. ~ Brian Kiley

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. ~ Robin Williams  

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. ~ Emo Philips

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~ Albert Einstein  

Always be sincere.  Even if you don’t mean it. ~ Harry S. Truman  

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’  ~ Conan O’Brien

The only two things I don’t eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.

I went on a diet. Actually I had to go on two diets at the same time ’cause one diet wasn’t giving me enough food. ~ Barry Marter  

I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis.  I chose that name because if I hadn’t had her, I’d be driving one.  ~ Robin Fairbanks  

If it weren’t for capitol punishment, we wouldn’t have Easter. ~ Bill Hicks  

Pregnancy is amazing.  To think, you can create a human being with just the things you have around the house. ~ Shang  

The first time I walked into a trophy shop, I looked around and thought to myself, ‘This guy is good!’ ~ Fred Wolf  

I used to be driven, but I pulled over. ~ Heidi Joyce  

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They’re there for those who don’t drink.  ++  

Did you hear about the blonde that sold her car for gas money?  ++  

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.  Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.    ++  

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. ~ Sam Levenson  

“In theory, practice is simple” ~ Trygve Reenskaug   “But, is it simple to practice theory?” ~ Alexandre Boily   “The difference between Theory and Practice is, in theory, somewhat smaller than in practice.” ~ Frank Westphal   “I want to move to theory. Everything works in theory.” ~ John Cash  

If you never step over the line, you’ll never find out where it is. ~ Anonymous  

I like the way you think.  It’s almost as if you don’t.