Dave’s Daily Quotes

It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~ George Eliot  

Sometimes you get a flash of what you look like to other people. ~ Zadie Smith

It is no way to live, to wait to love. ~ Dave Eggers  

How strange to use “you only live once” as an excuse to throw life away. ~ Bill Copeland  

You should never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~ Kimberly Johnson

If you watch Cinderella backwards, it’s about a woman who learns her place. If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.  

Allergy Alert: This status update may contain peanuts.  

I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth does.  

I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of “Cocoon” on my drive to work!  Ahh, Florida…  

The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.  

How can we disagree when I’m so right?  

Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you’re lying becomes less important.  

I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.  

Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny.  Period.  

I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…  

It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Target discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn’t work though…I only got 10% off.  

Procrastinators will one day rule the world! Just not today…  

This status is in Spanish when you aren’t looking.  

I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me.  

There are two ways for a lady to impress a man: 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.  

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I do many things well. None of which generate income.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with the white crayon.

I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn’t work that way?

Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God’s punishment for what you did during the weekend.