Dave’s Daily Quotes

Today’s show is brought to you by the letters W T F.  

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.  It took me ten minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.  

My attention span would be much longer if things weren’t so darn shiny!  

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever  encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. ~ Steve Jobs  

The “kingdom of Heaven” is a condition of the heart–not something that comes “upon the earth” or “after death.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche  

I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues … to underestimate one’s self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one’s own powers. ~ Sherlock Holmes  

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section” A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.  

Q: What does “varicose” mean? A: Nearby.  

Dear GOD:  What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. ~ Jane, age 8  

Rhubarb (n):  a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Germinate (v):  to become a naturalized German.  

The ankle was an arch enemy of the heel because the heel had a sole that could neither toe the line nor keep instep. ~ Anonymous

He’s so honest you can shoot dice with him on the telephone. ~ Dan Rather  

I can’t decide if indecision is good or bad. ~ Russell Causey  

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. ~ Robert Paul  

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Frank McKinney Hubbard  

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. ~ proverb  

Nothing will work unless you do. ~ Maya Angelou  

Impotence: nature’s way of saying,”No hard feelings.”  

What do you do for a living? You are living, aren’t you?  

This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.~ Samuel Johnson  

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. ~ Richard Braunstein  

Scotch… Because one doesn’t solve the world’s problems over white wine.  

Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain  

It was all so different before everything changed.