Dave’s Daily Quotes

Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”  Then I remember–I am not actually friends with them.  

Microwave (noun):  A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.  

When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out.  

I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9 PM,” everyone is going to be there.  

There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it’s not a fence.

“Uncle Cosmo … why do they call this a word processor?” “It’s simple, Skyler … you’ve seen what food processors do to food, right?” ~ Jeff MacNelley (Shoe)  

Everybody in the world has the same amount of time every day, yet 95% of the people you talk to say they just don’t have enough time…  Hey, you got a minute? ~ jdm  

All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. ~ Phil Simborg  

A wedding ring should cut off the wearer’s circulation. ~ Gladiola Montana  

A woman’s word is never done.  

The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home. ~ Anonymous  

Friendship is almost always the union of part of one mind with part of another; people are friends in spots. ~ George Santayana  

Parking is such street sorrow.  

I went to Jenny Craig. So far I’ve lost seventy dollars.  

It’s a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.  ~ Albert Camus  

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s about $7 in dog money. ~ Joe Weinstein  

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. ~ Tom Waits  

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. ~ George Carlin  

The similarities between me and my father are different. ~ Dale Berra  

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.  

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.  

Oy to the World ~ Jewish Christmas Carol  

Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!  

Of all the nasty, low down, foul, dirty schemes I’ve ever heard, I like yours the best.

A fool and his money are soon….Hey!  Where’s my wallet?