Dave’s Daily Quotes

My wife has trouble opening jars.  Apparently, that involves a different set of muscles than slamming doors.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A.: A little plaque.

What do you give a man who has everything?  Antibiotics.

A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.  They are going to call the practice Jiffy Boob.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Family is a little piece of heaven in advance.

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. ~ Frank Moore Colby .

Take a look at your tax bills and you’ll quit calling them “cheap politicians.”

A child prodigy is a youngster who is too young to be as old as he is.

Winning isn’t everything.  Wanting to is. ~ Catfish Hunter  

The woods are lovely dark and deep but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. ~ Robert Frost  

If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it you might as well laugh about it now. ~ Marie Osmond  

Two Jesuit priests both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their bishop for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. “Why did the Bishop allow you to smoke and not me?” he asked. “Because you asked if you could smoke while…

In driving, there are two types of motorists–those who drive as if they owned the road, and those who drive as if they owned the car.  

1.  Never underestimate the importance of money.  It’s how business people keep score! 2.  Never overestimate the value of money.  Cash is important, but sometimes not as important as respect, thanks, integrity, or the thrill of a job well done. 3.  You can never have too many friends in business…  Given a choice always do…

Society doesn’t have values. People have values. ~ Milton Friedman  

Sometimes I feel like I’m just circling the airport. ~ Grace Hodgson  

I’m perfectly willing to compromise, but God wants to have everything his own way. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant  

I don’t know if I can live on my income or not–the government won’t let me try it. ~ Bob Thaves  

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.  

Does anyone else have that light switch in your house that you really don’t know what it goes to?  

Recipe for disaster?  We live in a country that has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

To Whom it May Concern: I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar