Dave’s Daily Quotes

The school of hard knocks is an accelerated curriculum. ~ Menander

If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

The cleaner the windshield, the stronger the magnetism to insects

Love is friendship caught fire. ~ Jerry Anderson

Life is pleasant.  Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. ~ Isaac Asimov

It has never been determined whether the early bird enjoys the worm as much as the late bird enjoys the extra sleep.    ++  

The government announced today that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.  A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and give you a sense of security while you’re being screwed. ~ Anonymous

How hot is it?  The swimming pool was so crowded today that I had to dive in three times before I hit water.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties. ~ Bob Hope

Q: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull? A: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

I was hitting the ski slopes when a bizarre accident occurred. While fumbling my way off a chair lift, another chair hit me from behind and knocked me out cold. I woke up with a headache, in a hospital bed and immediately called my insurance company. After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re…

Health insurance is like hospital gowns; you only think you‘re covered.

A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman’s breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men. ~ Conan O’Brien

Many of those who rely on body language need to improve their vocabularies.

Ham and eggs…a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ~ Anonymous

Years ago, fairy tales all began with Once upon a time… now we know they all begin with: If I am elected. ~ Carolyn Warner

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.  ~ Amy Carmichael

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. And I think if I ever have a kid, it’s gonna be cordless. ~ Wendy Liebman

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. ~ Anonymous

Single people throw the best parties. They don’t have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They’re out 15 bucks. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore. ~ Anonymous

If you say what you think, don’t expect to hear only what you like. ~ Malcolm Forbes

[A] wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. ~ Thomas Jefferson

It is not the responsibility of the government or the legal system to protect a citizen from himself. ~ Justice Casey Percell

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. ~ Edward R. Murrow