Dave’s Daily Quotes

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.  Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer…

Somebody called me pretentious the other day.  I nearly choked on my latte.

Jesus loves you is such a nice thing to hear in church, but sort of terrifying in a Mexican prison.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found Mute by now…

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from a vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore. ~ Anonymous

Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? ~ Alfred E. Neuman

It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again! ~ Alfred E. Neuman

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day. ~ Alfred E. Neuman

Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Don’t tell me you have a chocolate lab if you’re just talking about a kind of dog. ~ Chase Mitchell

I bought SPF 75 sunscreen.  I squeezed the tube and out came a wool sweater.  ~ Mike Wiley

Megahurts:  Employees at high-tech firms are burning out from stress.  So The Week asked its readers to name this new malady: Appleplexy dot.coma Cybermyalgia IPOchondria appsphyxia

Just bought a book on narcissism.  It’s great.  It’s all about me.  ~ Marc Maron

My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Any day is a good day to have a mother.  

Isn’t it a nice coincidence that you and I are both alive at the same time!

Regardless of the date, I’m glad you were born.

I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car.

I was uncool before uncool was cool.

On a walk, my son saw a pay phone and asked what it was. I made him look it up on his iPhone.

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the politician’s brain: On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

You can fool some of the people all of the time…those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago,  and people who will see a world that I shall never know.    But all the while I sit and think of times there were before,  I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.  J. R. R. Tolkien, in The Fellowship of the…

To some it’s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group.