Dave’s Daily Quotes

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

I recommend you go to a palmist rather than a mind reader.  I know you have a palm.

Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?

Why get even, when you can get odd?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

You can always find a capable helping hand at the end of your own sleeve. ~ Zig Ziglar

There are two ways to climb an oak tree. You can climb it, or you can sit on an acorn and wait for it to grow. ~ Anonymous

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is a man who hopes they are.  ~ Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it’s some sort of pyramid scheme.

If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up, remember…you can always change your birthday on Facebook.

I used to work as a waiter. The pay wasn’t great but it put food on the table.

They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they’ve said that before.

I just heard the villain in the next Batman movie is a guy who’s exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it has really low self-esteem and you should exploit that.

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

Christmas was best when I still believed in Santa Claus.  I want to be 22 again.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.  I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Do you know what really makes me smile?  Facial muscles.  

If you email someone that you can read maps backwards, is it spam?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a very poor view, so he stood up on a large wooden box and asked if they could see him.  They replied:  Yes Oui Si Ja.  

Wind turbines.  I’m a big fan.