Dave’s Daily Quotes

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.  Clothes, but no cigar.

The most common surname In China is Chang; correct me if you think that’s Wong.

You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster.  I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

I’ve just started a band called 999 Megabytes.  We haven’t done a gig yet.

Is it just me…or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.  She hit the roof.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.  This one was written in London.

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. ~ Calvin Coolidge

Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? ~ Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~ Elayne Boosler

I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body. ~ Elayne Boosler

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do. ~ Josh Billings

3 quickie bar jokes: Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have. ~ Zig Ziglar

Welfare is not a retirement plan.

Not all those that wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

When you feel dog-tired at night, it may be because you growled all day long

A true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is–as in, “Going to town, be back directly.”

A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. ~ William James

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But…it is better to be good than to be ugly. ~ Oscar Wilde

If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it. ~ Oscar Wilde

I saw a dentist and a manicurist fight tooth and nail.

They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

Mr/Ms Politician, before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.