Dave’s Daily Quotes

Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to whistle.

Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?

Like a midget at a urinal, we need to stay on our toes

Life is like a game of tennis; the player who serves well seldom loses.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

If you have nothing to do, don’t do it here.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then… answer the phone. ~ Rita Rudner  

We should make tail lights in different colors so that gridlock is more interesting.

Being an atheist isn’t too bad until someone dies.

Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.

KISSING:  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus:  the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Dear God, Please bring back Bob Marley. In return you can have Justin Bieber. Amen

We are only as sick as our secrets.

What do the letters DNA stand for?  National Dyslexics Association

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

What if your mother really WAS right? About everything?

If they’re psychic and I need them so much, why don’t they just phone me?

Never say “OOPS!” Always say “Ah, interesting!”