Dave’s Daily Quotes

Not only does my wife drive me crazy, she makes me pay for the gas.

My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.

The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I don’t eat snails… I prefer fast food!

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes

If it’s free, it’s advice. If you pay for it, it’s counseling. If you can use either one, it’s a miracle!

If two people invest in a boat, is it a partner-ship?

Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you’re covered.  

Did you hear about the blonde who thought an innuendo is an Italian suppository?

A happily married man is one who understands every word that his wife didn’t say.

Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

It isn’t that life is short. It’s that death is so long.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.

Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.

I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it’s better than nothing.

My wife thinks freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Reisner’s Rule of Conceptual Inertia:  If you think big enough, you’ll never have to do it.

Distance doesn’t make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. ~ John Donne

Question: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside.  What did you eat? Answer: Corn on the cob   Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi   Question: What was green and…

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.

New polls show that 3 in 5 Kenyans now believe that President Obama was born in Hawaii.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.