Dave’s Daily Quotes

He’s the world’s greatest proof of reincarnation–no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb.  Anybody’s. ~ Woody Allen

I’m not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay his debts? ~ Gary Apple

Courtship, n.:  that period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do better.

Schizophrenia may be a necessary consequence of literacy. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

Jokes are grievances. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

For tribal man space was the uncontrollable mystery. For technological man it is time that occupies the same role. ~ Marshall Mcluhan

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got. ~ Art Buchwald

The conservative who resists change is as valuable as the radical [liberal] who proposes it. ~ Ariel Durant

It may be true that you can’t fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country. ~ Will Durant

When liberty destroys order the hunger for order will destroy liberty. ~ Will Durant

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. ~ Garry Shandling

The political machine triumphs because it is a united minority acting against a divided majority. ~ Will Durant

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes, rather than their minds. ~ Will Durant

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~ Earl Wilson

That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day to day. ~ Lewis G. Carroll

I gave my wife plastic surgery—I cut up her credit cards. ~ Henny Youngman

I’m not real smart; I’m imaginary smart. ~ Meghan Matthews

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. ~ Lou Erickson

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying Buy Buy. ~ Robert Paul

In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?

Love is what is in the room on Christmas if you stop opening your presents and listen.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.  ~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything. ~  Charlie Viracola

My father was cheap. Every year he’d say, “I’m glad Christmas comes but once every other year.”  ~ John Roy