Dave’s Daily Quotes

On a low budget? Scrape the toothpaste that gets stuck on the side of your bathroom sink from time to time and freeze it. It makes wonderful party mints at Christmastime.  ~ Steve Morris

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

I have learned to spell hors d’oeuvres Which still grates on some people’s n’oeuvres. ~ Warren Knox

Trying to answer everyone’s questions–write yours on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

Don’t believe everything you think.

When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.

A good pun is its own reword.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

A status symbol is a symbol, not status

Equality, HA!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings.”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.