Dave’s Daily Quotes

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.” ~ George Carlin

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?” ~ George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” ~ George Carlin

“Think off-center.” ~ George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” ~ George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” ~ George Carlin

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” ~ George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” ~ George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.” ~ George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” ~ George Carlin

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.” ~ George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” ~ George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.” ~ George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.” ~ George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” ~ George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” ~ George Carlin

“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.” ~ George Carlin

“When will all the rhetorical questions end?” ~ George Carlin

“Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms?” ~ George Carlin

“When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.” – George Carlin