Dave’s Daily Quotes

“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.”” ~ George Carlin

“There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.” ~ George Carlin

“Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.” ~ George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

“I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.” ~ George Carlin

“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.” ~ George Carlin

“I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.” ~ George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” ~ George Carlin

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.” ~ George Carlin

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ~ George Carlin

“I’d hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.” ~ George Carlin

“If you can’t beat ‘em, arrange to have ‘em beaten.” ~ George Carlin

“Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.” ~ George Carlin

“Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn’t want to touch them in the first place?” ~ George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ~ George Carlin

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” ~ George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” ~ George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” ~ George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” ~ George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” ~ George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” ~ George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~ George Carlin

“Always do whatever’s next.” ~ George Carlin