Dave’s Daily Quotes

A good way to reduce your bills is to put them on microfilm. ~ Anonymous

Now there’s a book on the market for people who disagree–a CONTRADICTIONARY. ~ Anonymous

The world is governed more by appearances than by realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it. ~ Daniel Webster

Anybody who thinks there’s a shortage of coins hasn’t been to church lately. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the middle-aged man who thinks that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his trousers. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the man who marries his secretary and thinks he will continue to dictate to her. ~ Anonymous

An optimist is the man who tells you what a fool he used to be. ~ Anonymous   ++

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today.  That way, at least you’ll get one thing done. ~ Anonymous

Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look younger.  Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. ~ Anonymous

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don’t they actually counteract each other? ~ Anonymous

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Now, isn’t that handy? ~ Anonymous

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. ~ Anonymous   ++

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.  But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you? ~ Anonymous

Diet tip:  Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.  It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less. ~ Anonymous

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.  An entire garment industry would be devastated.  You can’t let that happen, can you? ~ Anonymous

The problem:  How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.  The solution:  Eat it in the parking lot. ~ Anonymous

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. ~ Anonymous

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world. ~ Anonymous

This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?  (U R) ~ Anonymous

The Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. ~ Anonymous

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the…

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. Moral of the story:  It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle…

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust.  He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is even his.

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?    ++

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. ~ Anonymous