Dave’s Daily Quotes

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy:  send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’ ~ Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. ~ Henny Youngman

A bum asked me, ‘Give me $10 till payday?’ I asked, ‘When’s payday?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!’ ~ Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger.  Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries.  Today, a five-year-old can do it. ~ Henry Youngman

I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4 today. ~ Henny Youngman

I’ve got a wonderful doctor. If you can’t afford the operation, he touches up the X rays. ~ Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to get up and let her out. ~ Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up–they have no holidays. ~ Henny Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… So much for skydiving. ~ Henny Youngman

Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects! ~ Anonymous  ++

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a fan?  Disaster! ~ Anonymous

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”  Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!” ~ Anonymous

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.  Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.  Kind Of Makes You Proud to…

All things being equal, fat people use more soap. ~ Anonymous   ++

The eyes shout what the lips fear to say. ~ Will Henry

Always give 100% at work. 10% Mondays, 20% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 25% Thursdays, 5% Fridays. ~ Anonymous   ++

Hell is the highest reward that the devil can offer you for being his servant. ~ Anonymous

So what is she doing back here where the past is never past? ~ Greg Iles,  The Devil’s Punchbowl

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! ~ Anonymous

PESSIMIST:  A person who says that “O” is the last letter in “ZERO” Instead of the first letter in “OPPORTUNITY.” ~ Anonymous

Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

I know violence isn’t the answer, I got it wrong on purpose. ~ Anonymous

I have no solutions, I can only offer chocolate. ~ Anonymous

Monday is the root of all evil. ~ Anonymous