Dave’s Daily Quotes

Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are. ~ Jack Handey

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks. ~ Jack Handey

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. ~ Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like. ~ Jack Handey

I’d rather be rich than stupid. ~ Jack Handey

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Fly-trap. The Fly-trap can bite and bite, but it won’t bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. ~ Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ~ Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. ~ Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me:  That guy sure owed me a lot of money. ~ Jack Handey

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. ~ Jack Handey

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason. I asked what she meant by within reason.  She told me I asked a lot of question for a garbage man. ~ Jack Handey

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. ~ Henry Youngman

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. ~ Henny Youngman

I gave my wife plastic surgery—I cut up her credit cards. ~ Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. ~ Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~ Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. ~ Henny Youngman

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henny Youngman

I’m so old when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front. ~ Henry Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ~ Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle. ~ Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. ~ Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. ~ Henny Youngman