Dave’s Daily Quotes

The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.

While interviewing an anonymous US Marine on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the Marine what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The Marine shrugged and replied, “Recoil.”

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. ~ Anonymous

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose. ~ Rita Rudner

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. ~ Anonymous

My uncle got a vasectomy. Put it on MasterCard. Forgot to pay. The finance company came over and knocked up his wife. ~ Anonymous

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~ Woody Allen    ++

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. ~ Michael McShane

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When fish jump in the air, do they take a deep breath and close their eyes?

When you get older your body changes. Now I groan louder after a meal than I do after an orgasm.  – Joel Warshaw

I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you’re single you’re as happy as you are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment. ~ Anonymous

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together.  Solution? I sent them to her dad. ~ Christopher Case

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, “If you build it, they will come?” ~ Anonymous

Man is the only animal to whom an accent is important. ~ Anonymous

We boil at different degrees. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ~ Anonymous

An Oklahoma businessman reports that if his business gets any worse he won’t have to lie on his next income-tax return. ~ Anonymous   ++

An open mind, like an open window, should be equipped with a screen to keep the bugs out. ~ Anonymous

America is the land of the spree and the home of the crave. ~ Anonymous

Alimony is a system in which one pays for the mistakes of two. ~ Anonymous

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.  ~ Jean Kerr

When the solution is simple, God is answering. ~ Albert Einstein

A question that sometimes drives me hazy:  am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

The man who invented the alarm clock believed people slept too long or worked too little. ~ Anonymous