Dave’s Daily Quotes

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. ~ Rita Rudner

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~ John Mendoza     ++

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. ~ Dick Cavett    ++

Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? ~ Lily Tomlin

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? ~ Marilyn Pittman

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. ~  Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose. ~ Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~ Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. ~ Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… Eventually. ~ Steven Wright  ++

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by. ~ Steven Wright

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, “Day 1 – Still tired from the move.  Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.”  ~ Steven Wright

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.” ~ Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving. ~ Steven Wright

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. ~ Steven Wright

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. ~ Steven Wright  ++

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? ~ Steven Wright  ++

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. ~ Steven Wright

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. ~ Lily Tomlin

Without order nothing can exist–without chaos nothing can evolve. ~ Anonymous

A man who desires revenge should dig two graves. ~ Anonymous

When you’re arguing with a fool, make sure he isn’t doing the same thing. ~ Anonymous

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.…

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not…