Dave’s Daily Quotes

Nothing risque, nothing gained. ~ Alexander Wolcott

Ordering a man to write a poem is like commanding a pregnant woman to give birth to a red-headed child. ~ Carl Sandburg

Judging by the old saying, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” he’s practically invulnerable. ~ Anonymous

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of. ~ Anonymous

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

She’s got a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start.

Know people for who they are rather than for what they are. ~ Anthony J. D’Angelo

Trouble is part of your life — if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough. ~ Dinah Shore

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly. ~ Langston Hughes ~

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism and so much criticism for enthusiasm? ~ Anonymous

Why do people have “hot water heaters”?  If your water is hot, why heat it?

Why does the sun on the Raisin Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?

Next time you’re at a restaurant, order a diet water.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready. ~ Henny Youngman

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” and the mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here!”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, “What’s that for?” The pirate responds, “Aarrr, its driving me nuts”.

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, “Did you go to Harvard?” The bartender says, “Yale.” The North Carolinian says, “DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”     ++

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out.

I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way. ~ Anonymous

I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work. ~ Anonymous

Not saying she’s cheap, but I saw her squeeze a quarter so tight the eagle screamed. ~ Anonymous