Dave’s Daily Quotes

Man:  Haven’t I seen you some place before? Woman:  Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there any more.    ++

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ ~ Sydney Harris

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm Here’s how it went:  “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the…

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.  It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least, you need a beer. ~ Frank Zappa

Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.  The one that grieves me most — ‘supper’.  Now everybody says ‘dinner’.  Save a great word.  Invite someone to supper.  Discuss fender skirts.

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. ~ Edward Langley    ++

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. ~ Rita Rudner    ++

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zig-zag?    ++

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?    ++

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and…

Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. ~ Marshall McLuhan

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered.  Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, “It really works!”

The best way to remember a face is to put an identifying mark on it with a piece of colored chalk.  ++

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day. ~ Craig Sharf  ++

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. ~ Henry Rollins   ++

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is. ~  Albert Camus

The Bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go. ~ Galileo Galilei  ++