Dave’s Daily Quotes

Q:         What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A:         Ruthless.   Q:         What do they call pastors in Germany? A:         German Shepherds.   Q:         Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A:         Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in…

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. ~ John Bright

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The new baby is like royalty; he’s the prince of wails.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

AMNESIA (n): condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. IMPREGNABLE (adj): a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. ~ (Lynette, age 9)

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.

From a worldly point of view, there is no mistake so great as that of being always right. ~ Samuel Butler

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. ~ Anonymous

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? ~ Albert Einstein

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues. ~ Abraham Lincoln

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. ~ George Carlin

A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. ~ Redd Foxx

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~ Joan Rivers

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s. ~ George Carlin

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.