Dave’s Daily Quotes

Why is it difficult to open a piano? Because all the keys are inside!

My mind is elsewhere today. Wish I was with it.

Real Men don’t get defensive when they learn that not everybody shares their enthusiasm for Apple products.

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

Without me, it’s just aweso.

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins. ~ Robin Williams

One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy. ~ E. B. White

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. ~ Tom Lehrer

Trouble is the common denominator of living. It is the great equalizer. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you. ~ Jane Wagner

It’s no use going back to yesterday–I was a different person then. ~ Lewis G. Carroll

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Little things affect little minds. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. ~ Will Rogers

The first step to better times is to imagine them.

I’m not even going to ignore that.

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you. ~ Groucho Marx

The mint makes it first, it’s up to you to make it last. ~ Evan Esar

Some go on a diet while most are merely wishful shrinkers. ~ Evan Esar

May the force be with y’all.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I don’t have a big ego; I’m way too cool for that.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.   As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”