Dave’s Daily Quotes

Patience is the companion of wisdom. ~ Saint Augustine

What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? The No-bell Prize

How did Quasimodo know the end was near? He had a hunch.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honored with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies. ~ Ronnie Barker  ++

Ronnie Corbett:  Do you think marriage is a lottery? Ronnie Barker:  No.  With a lottery you do have a slight chance.

In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist–but I found I had nothing to say. ~ Victor Borge

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it’s Colin.  ~ Tommy Cooper

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, ‘Audi.’  ++

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass. ~ George Herbert

They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. ~ Mark Twain

One difference between the rich and the poor is that the rich are tired in the morning and the poor are tired in the evening.

It is amazing how many people want to live a long life, and yet so few want to grow old.

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone has it but you don’t have to show it off.

Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard.    ++

Imagination is intelligence having fun. ~ George Scialabba   ++

Nurses are angels in comfortable shoes.

“Just say no” prevents teenage pregnancy the way ‘Have a nice day’ cures chronic depression. ~ Anonymous

Celibacy is not hereditary.   ++

The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.    ++

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.   ++

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers (a real delicacy) for only .49 cents a burger. He asked the waiter about it and was told that, to keep prices down, they did add some filler, namely horse meat. Customer: How much of each kind of meat…

The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn’t have any money with him. “I could invite you to hear me preach in return,” he said jokingly to the clerk, “but I’m afraid I don’t have any fifty-cent sermons.” “Perhaps,” suggested the clerk, “I could come twice.”