Dave’s Daily Quotes

Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.

Nature is defined as anything you would kill if it got into your house.  ~ Dave Barry

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch…

Q: Why are women more pessimistic about the economy than men? A: Because men are in charge of the economy!    ++

Congress does some strange things. It puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

A person doesn’t know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.  ~ Anonymous

The taxpayer–that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.  ~ Ronald Reagan

When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery.  When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.  ~ Vanya Cohen    ++

Don’t undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.    ++

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.    ++

I used to be sane. I got better.

A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it’s not permanent.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. If Jack Bauer’s daughter lost her virginity, Jack Bauer would get it back. Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

“Anything worth living for,” said Nately, “is worth dying for.” “And anything worth dying for,” answered the old man, “is certainly worth living for.” ~ Joseph Heller,  Catch 22

I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. ~ Kin Hubbard

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~ Jewish Proverb

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. ~ Julia Child

Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed. ~ Cornelia Otis Skinner

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Even Obama’s staunchest supporters are starting to leave him. Last week Michelle Obama demanded to see a copy of his birth certificate. ~ Ann Coulter

Fame is morally neutral. ~ Edward R. Murrow

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. ~ Edward R. Murrow

The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it. ~ Mignon McLaughlin