Dave’s Daily Quotes

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

The big thing about prunes is the way they look. If prunes could move, you’d whack ’em with your shoe.

My next house will have no kitchen, only vending machines.

The chest X-ray showed I had pimples on my left ventricle. I said, “Doc, what does that mean?” He said, “You’re still a teenager at heart.”

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Uganda.

Why do you think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods? Because trying to impress people just isn’t worth the time and effort. ~ Henry Rollins

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

I want it clearly understood that I’m totally confused.

Copy and paste this into your status if you’re tired of people copying and pasting stuff in their status.

Ever run up to a stranger on the street and say “YOU’RE IT!” and then run away?

I use a Bluetooth headset in public so that I can talk to the voices in my head without drawing attention.

I knew a girl who went to Beauty College and flunked cosmetics. They let her take a make up exam.

To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say. ~ Lionel Tiger

When I buy pistachio nuts, I never waste my time prying open those nuts which are completely closed. It’s more productive to spend my time with those that are partially open and willing to be opened further. And so it is with people’s minds. ~ Michael Zarlenga

The bumper sticker… is secular America’s Book of Proverbs. ~ John Shea

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. ~ Jack Handey

50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

  You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams. ~ Rita Rudner

Children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.

I’m a Virgo.  We Virgo’s don’t believe in all this Astrology stuff.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.