Dave’s Daily Quotes

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~ George Burns

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. ~ Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. ~ Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. ~ Jay London

Do you know it was a year ago today? ~ Jay London

There is no off position on the genius switch. ~ David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. ~ David Letterman

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes. ~ Werner Finck

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. ~ W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. ~ W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. ~ W. C. Fields

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. ~ Phyllis Diller

My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~ Billy Connolly

When turkeys mate they think of swans. ~ Johnny Carson

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. ~ Lenny Bruce

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest. ~ A. Whitney Brown

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. ~ Milton Berle

I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. ~ Fred Allen

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. ~ Joey Adams

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. ~ Wendy Liebman

Don’t worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.