Dave’s Daily Quotes

Money can’t buy poverty. ~ Marty Feldman

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did. ~ Jimmy Durante

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. ~ Bible, Proverbs 27:15-16

Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder. ~ Henry David Thoreau

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. ~ Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. ~ Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out. ~ Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller

Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche. ~ Andrew Denton  ++

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs… like custom officers. ~ Jack Dee

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice–I don’t know if I’m coming or going. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.  In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Tom Clancy

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. ~ Dave Barry

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. ~ Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. ~ Conan O’Brien

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. ~ Woody Allen

If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck. ~ Elvis Presley

One cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs…but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelet. ~ Charles P. Issawi