Dave’s Daily Quotes

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If hypnosis worked, wouldn’t all the leaders be hypnotists?  What if they are? ~ Scott Adams

An anthropologist has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not New Tide with Lemon Fresh Borax. ~ David Letterman

There must be something to acupuncture because you never see any sick porcupines.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. ~ Bob Monkhouse

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

If the alarm clock woke you up this morning, you didn’t get enough sleep.

In youth the days are short and the years are long;  in old age the years are short and the days long.  ~ Nikita Ivanovich Panin

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~ John Mortimer

An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening, love can hear the rustle of a wing. ~ Robert Ingersoll

When you die it’s the same as if everybody else did too. ~ Cormac McCarthy

He knew only that his child was his warrant.  He said:  If he is not the word of God, God never spoke. ~ Cormac McCarthy

If love alone could save you, you never would have died. ~ Kimberly N. Chastain

Money is the root of all evil.  For more information, send me $10.

I have a perfect body.  It’s your vision that’s defective.

Polynesia:  memory loss in parrots.

Smokers are just like everybody else.  Just not as long.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Ham and Eggs:  a day’s work for a chicken;  a lifetime commitment for a pig. ++

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.