Dave’s Daily Quotes

Women who are not vain about their clothes are often vain about not being vain about their clothes.  

There’s a sucker born again every minute.  

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that’s the tricky part.  ~ Anonymous

There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness. ~ Countess of Blessington  

Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don’t set any condition. ~ Arthur Rubinstein  

Wondering why Facebook bothers to give me the option of “liking” my own comment.  Of course I like my own comments.  I’m awesome..  

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.  

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say “…in Jesus’ name, amen.”  

No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I’m going to assume the translation is:  Please think I’m cool.  

Can you grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?  

Many would rather check their Facebook than face their checkbook.  

I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.  

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t happy.  

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.  

Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

Want World Peace?  Replace oxygen with helium.  Who could stay mad at someone who sounds like a Chipmunk? ~ Anonymous  

If a creepy person asks why you never add your location to your Facebook Status updates, it’s probably a good idea to never add your location to your Facebook Status updates.  

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if certain people would manage their stupidity. ~ Anonymous  

Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. ~ Beth McCollister  

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.  

If Thomas Edison invented the electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as “candle making industry threatened.” ~ Newt Gingrich  

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. ~ Napoleon  

There are two kinds of fools:  One say, This is old therefore it is good.  The other one says, This is new therefore it is better. ~ Dean William R. Inge  

The command, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’, was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons. ~ Dean William R. Inge  

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic.  They rush to the lifeboat and as they get in, the rabbi says:  ‘What about the children?’  The lawyer says:  ‘Screw the children!’  The priest says:  ‘Do you think we have time?’