Dave’s Daily Quotes

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? ~ Anonymous

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts? ~ Anonymous

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them? ~ Anonymous

If you mated a bull dog and a shiatsu, would it be called a bullshit? ~ Anonymous

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on? ~ Anonymous

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. ~ Voltaire

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’ ~ Anonymous

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet,  ‘Best Before End.’ ~ Anonymous    ++

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: That’s Aboriginal. ~ Anonymous

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. ~ Oscar Wilde

Men always want to be a woman’s first love–women like to be a man’s last romance. ~ Oscar Wilde

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does.  That’s his. ~  Oscar Wilde

Women are never disarmed by compliments.  Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. ~  Oscar Wilde

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. ~ Oscar Wilde

I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.  It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

Who, being loved, is poor? ~ Oscar Wilde

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. ~ Oscar Wilde    ++

But what is the difference between literature and journalism? Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.  That is all. ~ Oscar Wilde

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. ~ Mae West

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom. ~ Anonymous

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. ~ Anonymous

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. ~ Anonymous

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. ~ Anonymous   ++

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. ~ Anonymous

If all is not lost, where is it? ~ Anonymous   ++