Dave’s Daily Quotes

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad. ~ Red Skelton

Congress:  Bingo with billions. ~ Red Skelton

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. ~ Red Skelton

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem.  But they don’t really know me. ~ Garry Shandling ++

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know. ~ Garry Shandling

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. ~ Garry Shandling

I practice safe sex; I use an airbag. ~ Garry Shandling

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Men don’t care what’s on TV.  They only care what else is on TV. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here–they are here to replace us. ~ Jerry Seinfeld   ++

WASHINGTON, DC – On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. ~ Anonymous

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. ~ H. L. Mencken

Self-respect:  The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. ~ H. L. Mencken

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” The pharmacist asks, “You mean aspirin?” “That’s it, I can never remember the word.”

Patient:  Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I’m Mickey Mouse, some days I think I’m Donald Duck. Doctor:  How long have you had these Disney spells? ~ Anonymouse

I went to a ballet once.  I couldn’t even tell who won.    ++

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It’s okay as long as they don’t get in the habit.

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared! ~ Anonymous  ++

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens. ~ Anonymous

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag. ~ Zig Ziglar     ++