Dave’s Daily Quotes

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne foul to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were…

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team.’  But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague,’ either.  And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot.’   Go figure. ~ Anonymous

My wife left me a note saying I should try out for “American Idle.”  But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr– hey, wait a minute! ~ Anonymous    ++

In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82% of the men responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18% revealed that they had been sucked into it. ~ Anonymous

There is a difference between wanting a job and wanting work. ~ Anonymous

You write? What a coincidence, I read.    ++

Never slap a man in the face if he’s chewing tobacco. ~ Will Rogers    ++

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.  ++

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?  ++

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?  ++

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell…except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. ~ Steven Wright    ++

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter. ~ Steven Wright

I wish the first word I had said when I was born was ‘quote.’ Then before I die, I could say, ‘unquote.’  ~ Steven Wright    ++

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…” ~ Steven Wright

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round? ~ Steven Wright    ++

In school they told me practice makes perfect, and then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing. ~ Steven Wright    ++

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I’m unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. ~ Steven Wright  ++

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first place. ~ Steven Wright    ++

They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right. ~ Steven Wright

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. ~ Woody Allen   ++

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” ~ Dave Barry

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? ~ Warren Hutcherson

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle. ~ Anonymous

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~ Anonymous  ++