Dave’s Daily Quotes

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. ~ Anton Chekhov

NEWSFLASH:  Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. ~ Dave Barry

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. ~ James Arthur Baldwin

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you’re got music. ~ Sid Vicious

Where morality is present, laws are unnecessary. Without morality, laws are unenforceable. ~ Anonymous

A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the…

No one can read our Constitution without concluding that the people who wrote it wanted their government severely limited; the words “no” and “not” employed in restraint of government power occur 24 times in the first seven articles of the Constitution and 22 more times in the Bill of Rights. ~ Edmund A. Opitz

Useless laws weaken the necessary laws. ~ Montesquieu

I now only have good days and great days. ~ Lance Armstrong

Sorrow makes us all children again–destroys all differences of intellect.  The wisest know nothing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Thousand Words Can’t Bring You Back, I Know Because I Tried And Neither Can a Million Tears I Know Because I Cried. ~ Anonymous

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. ~ Jane Wagner  ++

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? ~ Jane Wagner   ++

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’ ~ Tim Vine     ++

One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. ~ James Thurber

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all. ~ James Thurber   ++

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before. ~ Rita Rudner

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~ Joan Rivers

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling. ~ Paula Poundstone    ++

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. ~ Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ~ Emo Philips

I’ve upped my standards. Now, up yours. ~ Pat Paulsen   ++

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. ~ Pat Paulsen   ++