Dave’s Daily Quotes

Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable, let’s prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. ~ Douglas Adams

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. ~ Emo Philips

I used to think that the human brain was the single most fascinating thing in the universe. Then I realized what was telling me that. ~ Emo Philips

I hope that after I die, people will say of me:  That guy sure owed me a lot of money. ~ Jack Handey

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. ~ Mitch Hedberg

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had–so I got rid of everything. ~ Steven Wright

I think the end of the cold war is what started global warming. ~ Steven Wright

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. ~ W. C. Fields  ++

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. ~ Oscar Wilde

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.     ++

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. ~ Mark Twain

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey

My grandfather likes to give me advice, but he’s a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there. ~ Steven Wright    ++

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. ~ Rhonda Hansome

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. ~ Plato    ++

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. ~ Somerset Maugham

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. ~ Rita Mae Brown

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! ~ Steve Martin

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. ~ Mark Twain

A New Orleans lawyer sought a Government loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title of the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.  After sending the…

I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.    ++

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized. ~ Sun Tzu