Dave’s Daily Quotes

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing.   ++

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. ~ Dave Barry    ++

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’

Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: ‘I’ll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?  2B or not 2B?’ ~ Spike Milligan

All men are cremated equal. ~ Spike Milligan    ++

At eighteen our convictions are hills from which we look; at forty-five they are caves in which we hide. ~ Scott Fitzgerald

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. ~ Timothy Leary  ++

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Born free. Taxed to death.    ++

You don’t get to be a safe driver by accident …     ++

We did not all come over on she same ship but we are all in the same boat. ~ Bernard Baruch

The word “impossible” is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you’ll find that most of it is possible. ~ Evan Esar

Footprints on the sands of time will never be made sitting down. ~ Evan Esar    ++

It’s all right to break your word if you use a hyphen. ~ Evan Esar

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are alike, except that on Father’s Day you buy a much cheaper gift. ~ Evan Esar

The ideal gift for the high school or college graduate is a job. ~ Evan Esar    ++

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your…

Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.

I say no to drugs, but they don’t listen.

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty.  I say “Are you gonna drink that?”    ++

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

It’s too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.