Dave’s Daily Quotes

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories. ~ George Carlin

Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. ~ Eddie Cantor

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way.  If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he’d get a Bloody Mary. ~ Red Buttons

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. ~ George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ~ George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. ~ George Burns

Grub first, then ethics. ~ Bertolt Brecht

The most painful state of living is remembering the future. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

When all else fails, offer a woman chocolate.

I have no solutions, I can only offer chocolate. ~ C.M. Pavelka

I don’t believe it. Prove it to me and I still won’t believe it. ~ Ford Prefect (Douglas Adams )

I should’ve been a plumber. ~ Albert Einstein

640K ought to be enough for anybody. ~ Bill Gates

The best defense against usurpatory government is an assertive citizenry. ~ William F Buckley, Jr

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ~ Bertolt Brecht

There is an inverse relationship between reliance on the state and self-reliance. ~ William F. Buckley, Jr

It’s not attention deficit disorder; I’m just not listening to you.

Slot machines are like crack for old people. ~ Keenen Ivory Wayans    ++

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. ~ Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~ Jane Wagner    ++

The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time. ~ Willie Tyler

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. ~ James Thurber

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. ~ Tom Lehrer

Q:  How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A:  Thousands, because Confucius says many hands make light work.

Sign seen at a loan company:  “Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt.”