Dave’s Daily Quotes

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

Act my age? I’ve never been my age before. I have no experience.

Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a wedding cake.

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

An fool is someone who bites the hand that feeds him then complains of indigestion.

You have reached the breast self-examination hot line.  Please press one …Now press the other one.

If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.

Women are the kind of problem I don’t mind wrestling with.

You ever notice that the word ‘engaged’ has the word ‘gag’ in the middle of it?

It is a sad fate for a person to die so well known by everyone else, and still unknown to themself. ~ Francis Bacon

You can knock forever on a deaf man’s door. ~ Zorba the Greek

Men and women are different. While guy is having sex he’s thinking how great it would be with a different woman. While a woman is having sex she’s thinking how lousy it is with this guy. ~ John Wing

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

True love is the willingness to compromise. You agree to cut back on red meat. She agrees that beer is a vegetable. ~ Weldon Gaines

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.    ++

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.    ++

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?  A red carnation.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. ~ Mitch Hedberg  ++

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move.  I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. ~ Mitch Hedberg