Dave’s Daily Quotes

Some things that cost $5.00 to buy several years ago now costs $10.00 just to repair.

We are involved in precision guessing.  ++

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?   ++

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  ++

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?    ++

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?  ~ Steven Wright

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?  ~ Steven Wright

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  ~ Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?  ~ Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?  ~ Steven Wright

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?  ~ Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open, it is not a-door?  ~ Steven Wright

Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?  ~ Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.  ~ Steven Wright

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?  ~ Steven Wright ++

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?  ~ Steven Wright ++

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?  ~ Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next-door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

I am against using death as a punishment. I am also against using it as a reward. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled to happiness? ~ Stanislaw J. Lec If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?  ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Burning stakes do not lighten the darkness. ~ Stanislaw J Lec

Some like to understand what they believe in. Others like to believe in what they understand. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec