Dave’s Daily Quotes

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.  ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general–he offered me a cigarette. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood.  I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Change is such hard work. ~ Billy Crystal

“Bambi,” to a kid, was scary. ~ Billy Crystal

When you become senile, you won’t know it. ~ Bill Cosby

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint.  When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. ~ Dom Helder Camara

If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. ~ Laurence J. Peter

I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I’m frightened of old ones. ~ John Cage

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework. ~ Bill Cosby

It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.  ~ Bill Cosby

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. ~ Bill Cosby

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. ~ Rob Corddry

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~ Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention:  then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~ Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things. ~ Billy Connolly