Dave’s Daily Quotes

Doubt isn’t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. ~ Paul Tillich

People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don’t like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law, it’s her daughter I can’t stand! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure- fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone. They just change the witness’s name to G. Spot. ~

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. ~ Albert Einstein

I do not like work even when someone else does it. ~ Mark Twain

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! ~ Brian O’Rourke    ++

All the cereals nowadays. Cracklin’ Oat Bran and Horkin Fiber Chunks.  Cereal used to come with a free prize, now it comes with a free roll of toilet paper in every box. ~Denis Leary

It was the worst round of golf I’ve ever played. I only hit two good balls all day, and that was because I stepped on a rake!

The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.    ++

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset. ~ James Gould Cozzens

You don’t have to agree with me, but its quicker.

The body consists of three parts–the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five–a, e, i, o, and u. ~ (Attributed to a child’s answers on a science test.)

Hypochondriac:  a person who wants to have her ache and treat it too.

Do you ever wonder why you wonder, and then wonder why you wondered why you were wondering?

Music has been called the universal language, despite the fact that it is neither universal nor a language. If you disagree, try telling an Eskimo that his pants are on fire using only a kazoo. ~ Anonymous

I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut. ~ Anonymous

Lately my wife and I fight constantly. I’ve been so upset and depressed, I’ve lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me “Arthur, if it’s that bad, why don’t you leave her?” I told him “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” ~ Anonymous

I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral. ~ Robert Orben

The most popular kids’ show in France is Beauxault le Clown. ~ Steve Connelly

No matter how much the passengers eat, the weight of the plane stays the same. ~ Steve Connelly

A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks. ~ Steve Connelly